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A lot of us have
to deal with “difficult” people on a daily business. It could be people you
work with, people you just run into or even people in your family. Here are 17
ways to deal with difficult people.
1. Understand
the Problem
Is there a specific reason that someone
is being difficult? Most people have a reason and aren’t being difficult just
for the fun of it. If you know this person well, people always benefit from
having someone to talk to. Find out what’s going on and then try to put
yourself in their perspective. If it’s not someone you can talk to, practice
giving people the benefit of the doubt.
2. Take a
Different Perspective
Perspective is how we view the
world, so what happens when you try to take someone else’s perspective? Put
yourself in their shoes. Your understanding might become different. Is there
something they have experienced in the past that makes them defensive?
3. Avoid
Conflict
Did your mother ever teach you if
you don’t give someone what they want they’ll eventually get bored and leave
you alone? If you think about it, did you notice you picked on your siblings or
friends just because it got an entertaining reaction? Yep. I know I did. So, if
people constantly pick on you, don’t give a reaction. An example might be if
someone is criticizing you or giving unwanted advice, say thank you and move on
with your life instead of fighting back. There’s no reason to create conflict
when it’s really not needed.
4. Don’t Change
Yourself
As I mentioned in the previous
section, difficult people often like to provide ‘criticisms’ or ‘suggestion’ on
how you should change. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t change yourself because
of a few suggestions someone made. Obviously they aren’t that important if they
are the only one is saying them.
5. Pick Your
Battles
Not everything has to be a battle. Save
your strength for things that are important.
6. Be
Compassionate
It’s really hard to fight with
someone who is being compassionate. It may be incredibly difficult sometimes,
but it will be worth it. Act the way you want to feel. Being compassionate puts
you on an entirely different level and no one can disagree with compassion and
kindness.
7. Know Your Own
Triggers
Know what makes you angry and how to
handle your anger. Some things you might not be able to avoid, but if you
prepare for it you will be able to handle it better. Most problems happen over
and over again and if you know they’re already difficult, you can see it coming.
8. Define Your
Boundaries
It’s ok to set boundaries; in fact
its highly recommended good practice with everyone. I was often the type of
person that just let people walk over me until one day I decided against it.
Turns out to be the best decision I ever made! There are a lot less ‘difficult’
people in my life because of it. Or if they are difficult they aren’t that way
with me.
9. Be Polite
Once
again, it’s kind of like be compassionate. You can’t fight against that. Can
you even picture arguing with someone who is being polite back to you? It just
doesn’t work.
10. Talk – Don’t
Explode
When you have a disagreement or
something you need to address with your difficult person, talk – don’t explode.
Talk nicely and calmly and don’t yell. If you don’t yell hopefully they won’t
either. If they do, then stay calm and be the bigger person. Nothing is ever
solved when you’re yelling at each other. Be assertive, not aggressive.
11. Be Honest!
It’s ok to be honest! Don’t feel
like you have to hide everything. If people keep attacking you and saying
hurtful things confront them on it. Explain that that was rude and you feel
hurt and it’s not going to be tolerated. If you’ve got something you need to
say it’s ok to say it, just say it nicely and tactfully. Everyone deserves a
chance to speak up for themselves.
12. Use “I Feel”
Statements
Use “I feel” statements instead of
“you” or accusatory statements. If you’re having a conversation with someone
and they start saying things like “it’s your fault” or “you made me do this” do
you not automatically shut off and stop listening? Or maybe you do listen, but
you become defensive. By using “I feel” statements there’s no blame. Everything
is in your perspective and it leads to a much calmer conversations than the
blame statements.
13. Look for the
Good
Everyone has a bit of good in them.
Even if that good is they’ll be leaving in the next few minutes it still helps.
Being positive could make all the difference. Appreciate the good and give
credit for it. Try to get to know people more, it shows effort on your part and
it will completely take them by surprise and they might return the favor.
14. Clarify
Misunderstandings
This can be one of the biggest
communication problems with everyone. Clarify what you don’t understand,
especially if this message is being passed on to you through someone else. Talk
directly to people and ask questions. Not only will this keep things clear, but
they will hear your questions and see that you’re actively paying attention and
listening. It never does people good to ‘pass messages along’ and have things
get out of hand.
15. Use
Reflective Listening
By being a reflective listener I
mean being active in using empathy. Listen, and then reflect back what you just
heard in different words. It shows that you are listening and truly trying to
understand what she is saying. No arguments can come about through use of
reflective listening either. For more information visit a previous blog post
entitled "Empathy In Action - How to be a Reflective Listener" posted through
Wasatch Family Therapy.
16. Compromise
Make compromises with each other.
Don’t always feel like you’re the person who has to “cave.” Make sure things
are equal between you. This can also be part of boundaries. It’s important to
realize that everyone has different expectations and it is possible to meet in
the middle.
17. Most
important of all…
No matter how hard you try, you
can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.
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