Parenting Guide: Internet Safety for Adolescents

Image courtesy of pat138241/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Lately one of the most asked questions I get is "how do I keep my teenager safe while they are on the Internet?" There are some many different devices, apps, websites, texting, etc. that it is hard to keep up with everything. Where do we even start to manage it?

The first tip is to be educated. Become knowledgeable about the apps your child is using. Are there security measures in place on the app itself? Who are they talking to? What kind of information is shared? At the bottom of the page there are some links providing information about privacy and dangerous apps that most teenagers use on a regular basis. Some apps don't even have any privacy settings and information can be shared with anyone in the world. These new social media apps are kind of scary and parents should be informed about them.

After becoming educated, it is your job as parents to ask questions and to be as involved as possible with your youth. This can only be done if you obtain all of the passwords and regularly check social media accounts and/or text messages. The next question I hear most often, isn’t this invading their privacy? Well, yes, but your job as a parent is safety first. It may be an incredibly uncomfortable discussion and create an unwanted battle but it is within your right as a parent to make these necessary changes for safety. I'd rather have my teenager mad at me because I'm invading their privacy then have something else happen.

It is also recommended that parents ask who each and every one of their child’s ‘friends’ are that follow them and interact with them regularly on social media. Anyone who is not a reasonable ‘friend’ can be deleted and removed for added safety. I’m finding a lot of teenagers friend strangers just because they are “hot” and/or live in the same area as them. We don't know these people, and who knows, they may be perfectly nice and appropriate, but sometimes I'd rather not take that chance.

Now how do we monitor all of these devices? It is so easy with phones that have internets and lap tops for a teenager to just spend all their time locked up in their rooms. It is ok for your children to own all these devices, but it is also ok to place restrictions on them. For example, lap tops must be used in an open and well-used area. Most teenagers are not going to do something unsafe or inappropriate if they are being watched. 

It is also important to put a time limit on these devices so they are not spending all of their free time locked to a screen or staying up late into the night. Content blockers and internet safety devices also exist for added measure if your teenager cannot be supervised at all times. 

Lastly, educate your children about the kind of material they are posting and where this information goes. Most teenagers do not actually know their material is public to the world. Teach them how to privatize their social media pages. Teach about what material is appropriate or inappropriate and how to attract a more positive audience and avoid things such as cyber bullying due to post content.

These are all very personal rules and restrictions. This information should be talked over as a family and agreed upon first so parents are on the same page together. Not all of these rules might be needed or appropriate for your family, but these are just some of the things that come up most in my family sessions working at the hospital. Just know that you are the parent, you are in control and safety always comes first.

Five Ways Parents Can Fight Facebook Depression - PsychCentral

Internet Safety Tips - National Child Advocacy Center

Internet Safety Statistics - Enough is Enough

Social Media App Information - Family Education

9 Most Dangerous Apps for Kids - Crosswalk

It's the Last Week of January and I’ve Already Blown My Resolutions

Image courtesy of luigi diamanti/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

It's the last week of January and I’ve already entirely blown my resolutions. Sound familiar? It sure does to me. I have these great goals ready to go, and how I’m going to live life differently. Then comes the first week of January. I do great for the first week… and then I go back to school, or work, and get busy and life starts all over again. After this happens, I never seem to get back on track or I tell myself “it’s too late” or “it’s over.”

Why do we do this? How do we break this cycle?

It’s time to resurrect your resolutions. Look at your list, or remember all the things you want to do differently. Now I want you to just think about your top three. One definite problem I have is making too many resolutions. I know exactly what a “perfect” life is and I try to make it happen. Unfortunately I’m far from perfect so there are many changes I need to make! When you’re setting goals it’s best to just start with a few rather than trying to make too many changes at once. Once you’ve completed this set of three, you can move on to something else.

Next step is to make your goal measurable. Make it so you can see the change as you go. Or break a larger goal down into achievable steps. This helps to make it seem less daunting or impossible. My goals are always too broad and I become easily overwhelmed by it.

For example, my number one resolution is always to exercise. That’s a great goal “to exercise” but it doesn’t mean anything. What is my end result? How will I know when I’ve achieved this goal? My personal goal is to exercise at least 5 days a week. To make it more measurable, I’m first going to say “Exercise 15 minutes a day for one week.” That’s something small and entirely achievable. After I’ve achieved that I can increase it to 30 minutes a day and so forth and until I get into a better habit of exercising on a daily basis.

Second step is to make sure to reward yourself for each of your small achievements on your way to your larger goal. So for my example of exercising, after I achieve a week’s worth of exercises I’m going to reward myself and celebrate any success no matter how small. We tend to not give ourselves enough credit for the things that we do achieve. Celebrating your successes will help keep you motivated to your larger goal.

So what happens if I still can’t make my goal? If somehow I haven’t been able to achieve my smaller goal, this time around I’m not going to give up. I believe in second chances, and that includes for myself. Just start again, and remember to start small! One mistake or a bad week doesn’t mean failure. Just pick up right where you left off.

My number one advice is just to believe in yourself and never give up. Good luck!

Learning to Handle Change - Mental Health Tips from Disney’s Toy Story

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Change. A fact of life, yet all of us hate it. Some handle it better than others. Woody, in Disney’s Toy Story gives us a perfect example of how us as a people handle change. Woody is moving to a new house and threatened by a new toy. Woody goes through a hard time and does not handle change well at all. He becomes easily jealous and causes a lot of problems. It is not until the end of the movie when Woody realizes Buzz is not as bad as he thought that he accepts the change and things improve.

Change is not easy to handle; we are creatures of habit. We like things to be the same, but the way of life is all about change. There are ways of making things seem better though and ways to change our negative outlook on change.

1) Be prepared for change. Most changes we can see coming. Prepare yourself ahead of time and tell yourself that this change is inevitable and happening. The more you talk to yourself positively about change, the easier it can be.

2) Find appropriate support. Woody’s advice to his fellow toys going through a move and a large change was “find a moving buddy.” Are you alone in this change? Probably not. Most likely you are going through this change with someone else. Utilize them. If you are alone, find someone to talk to about it with. Supports are always available, you just have to ask.

3) Express feelings about change. As I mentioned in the previous point, open up to someone about it. If you cannot open up to someone else, then open up to yourself in some form like journaling. Express things, do not hold them in. Expressing it gets it out and lets us move on instead of holding it inward and dwelling.

4) Be aware of unrealistic expectations. Often times we build things up in our minds. We have certain expectations for these changes and when they do not happen, we get disappointed. Be aware of what your expectations are. Expectations and reality are often different unfortunately.

5) What is the worst that can happen? Along with unrealistic expectations, maybe look at what is the worst that can happen. Normally, the worst does not actually happen. By thinking it in these terms we can all be happily surprised to find that maybe change was not all that bad to begin with.

6) Acknowledge you can only control yourself. As much as everyone loves to be in control, that is not always entirely possible. Learn you cannot control the actions of others or some aspects of change, but you can control yourself and how you handle and think of change.

7) Use your coping skills. Use those skills, tools, distractions, etc. that help you deal with other problems. That is what they are there for. If you do not have any, write a long list of possible tools to use such as journaling, taking a bath, exercising, etc.

8) Take things slowly. Set goals for yourself and pace yourself in your change. Things can always be broken down so they are easier to handle.

Know that you are not alone in thinking change is hard. Everyone has difficulty accepting change and making it happen. Just make it a little easier on yourself by following those simple steps.

Learning to Accept Yourself - Mental Health Tips from Disney’s Aladdin

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Disney’s Aladdin presents an important lesson about learning to accept yourself and be true to yourself. Aladdin was called “street rat” in the beginning of the movie just because of his poorer status. He proceeds to become a different person just so he can prove that what they say is not true and to impress someone. In the process he loses himself and hurts some very important people in his life.

This is a common situation that happens in the world today. People call us names and there are unhelpful and untruthful stigmas attached to people and certain situations. How do we defeat that without losing ourselves? Or how do we accept ourselves period? Often people also change themselves to impress other people or because other people told them to change. Here are things to consider when learning to accept yourself and boost your own self-worth.

1) Understand your strengths, weaknesses, and achievements.

 What are your strengths? What are the good things right now? What are your weaknesses and what can you build upon? What are your achievements that you can be proud of? Don’t down play the good things but also don’t forget to focus on weaknesses.

2) Don’t listen to what others think of you.

Most times people say things out of ignorance or out of jealousy. Analyze what they are saying and the situation that they said it in. Is this really something that you might need to work on or were they just saying something to get a rise out of you? Most likely the latter, so just don’t listen.

3) Don’t mask yourself for others.

Be proud of who you are. Don’t force down aspects of yourself because they might not be accepted by others. If they’re really friends or important in your life than they will accept all of you no matter what.

4) Accept your imperfections.

No one is perfect. Not even those stars that we somehow manage to put on a pedestal. Everyone has their problem, they just don’t show it. It's ok to accept that you're not perfect. 

5) Accept your emotions and fears.

This is incredibly important. Pushing down our fears and emotions will only make us sick inside and cause more problems. Learn to handle your emotion properly and express them.

6) Don’t dwell on what you can’t control.

Unfortunately not everyone in life is going to be within our control. You can’t control what others say and what others think, but you can control yourself and your reactions to it.

7) Relax and laugh things off.

Life is honestly too short to get upset by every little thing. If you make a mistake, then just laugh it off, accept it and move on. Dwelling on these negative things that happen will only hurt you inside.

8) Always be yourself – especially in public.

I think we’re all guilty of putting on a show. It’s exhausting is it not? And when we do put on a show, doesn’t it kind of ruin everything else around us and our experiences? You constantly keep yourself in check and you aren’t having much fun. Compare that with other experiences where you are yourself and completely relaxed. Much better right?

As the Genie says – “just be yourself.” You’re special, you’re an individual and no one else is you, so be you and be proud!

Safety Planning for Times of Crisis

Image courtesy of Simon Howden/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Safety planning is important to everyone. There are going to be times in everyone’s lives that are ‘times of crisis.’ A time of crisis is a time where people feel things are spiraling out of control, we’re not ourselves and we become unsafe. Self-harming or suicidal thoughts may pop into our heads and we need to have a safety plan in place so we don’t act on them. Here are a few important pieces of safety planning.

1) Identify your warning signs

What does it look like when you are well? What does it looks like when you are not well? Be able to identify those changes in such things such as sleeping patterns, eating patterns, cleanliness behaviors, mood changes, and changes in thought patterns.

2) Identify coping skills

What can you do to try and either distract yourself or take your mind off of these thoughts? Coping skills are very personal and what works for one person may not work for another. Coping skills can be listening to music, deep breathing, taking a walk, writing, taking a bath, etc. Write out a long list so that you have lot of options to choose from during rough times.

3) Identify people you can talk to

Who are the people you can trust with anything? Who do you turn to in times of trouble? These can be friends, family, or professionals. If they are professionals though, understand these people are not available 24/7 so identify more than just professionals. Don’t be afraid of “bugging” your support systems too much or worrying they may be too busy. They’ll be there for you whenever you need them. I know if a friend or family member told me they were feeling unsafe I would drop everything to help them out, no questions asked.

4) Put yourself in a safe environment

Take yourself out of the problem environment. Don’t isolate and don’t stay in your home alone. Take a walk, visit a library, go to the mall. Go somewhere public where you are less likely to do anything to harm yourself. Just surrounding yourself with people is enough and taking yourself away from any knives, sharps, guns, medications, or other tools is important for safety.

5) Identify one thing that is most important to you and worth living for

It’s pretty simple. Just one thing can help us get over that hump. Identify that one person, or that one thing that is happening in the future that is pretty exciting. Just one thing makes it completely worth it and make those thoughts disappear.

6) Go to a hospital or call 9-1-1

After you’ve exhausted this list and you’re still feeling unsafe go to a hospital and get checked out. Professionals are always available to help and there is always a safe place to go in a medical center.

Crisis times happen, just have a safety plan in place for when it comes around. And know that it's ok to ask for help.

Other resources:

Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml